If you’re an artist or an entrepreneur (or just anyone trying to get noticed) someone has probably told you to start using social media and social networks. This is supposedly the way to fans, fame and fortune. But what if you just don’t really get along with Twitter. What if Facebook is making your head hurt. What if you start nodding off unintentionally as soon as someone mentions Pinterest? How do you choose the right social network for you? Perhaps one way is to look at them as people. Who would you rather hang out with?
Hi I’m Facebook! I think you’ll like me. If you don’t then you’re probably, like, over 80. When I arrived on the scene only college kids seemed to like me, but soon my networking skills made me popular almost everywhere. A couple of years ago I was the most popular kid around, you’d probably never even someone as popular as me before. I could hardly do anything wrong. And if I did, like maybe spreading a bit too much gossip around or claiming I owned pictures that other people had taken, it didn’t really matter because pretty much everyone had suddenly become totally reliant on me. I was the one they went to when they wanted to organise a party or celebrate their dogs birthday or play silly games on a farm (even I don’t really get that one).
I grew more and more and more popular and then I realised, I’m so popular that people should start giving me money. But that’s where things started going a bit wrong. I mean, it’s not like it’s my fault or anything. All I wanted to do was to make it easier for people to stay in touch. Then I thought I might be able to charge a little bit for that service, take a little money for myself. So when I realised I had lots of friends who were using my popularity to stay in touch with their fans I thought, I want a slice of that pie, I’m the one making all of this happen after all. I’m tired of broadcasting messages left and right, promoting stuff just because I’m such a nice guy. I need to get a little something for all my hard work. So I’m now going to keep my mouth shut for at least some of the time unless you pay me. I don’t care if it makes you like me a little bit less. I’m still the most popular guy in the room. Although god knows I don’t want to end up like my cousin Myspace. I’ve heard the times are changing, I want to get this mobile thing right and if I do, maybe you will start giving me even more money.
Hey. Hey. I have lots of important things to say. And I talk quite a lot. All the time in fact. Don’t let that alarm you. You don’t have to listen to all the things I say. I have plenty of new ways of linking info together. I have taught people how to say things with a #. It’s amazing how language can be transformed. It’s like a kind of newspeak. Really. Lots of people like me. They think I make communication easier. That I can get messages across to everyone. Stephen Fry likes me. I like him too.
I’m great during revolutions and when Big Things happen. I like #elections, #football games and #scandals. Some people call me shallow. I don’t think that’s fair. It all depends on how you say something. Personally I would prefer it if people spoke like this all the time. It’s much more fun. And you can have lots of friends if you stick to 140 characters. Even if you don’t like me I will keep chattering away. And at some point I will probably talk about you anyway.
Oh hello, sorry I didn’t realise it was you. I was too focused on my soya latte and my organic hash browns. I always come here for brunch on a Saturday. Yeah. It’s become something of a routine. Everyone knows about it as well, since I keep telling everyone about what I eat. This is my dog. Isn’t he cute. And here is my bike. Did you know I went out to a gig last night and drank expensive organic beer from some micro brewery. You see all the lights were covered in fake spider webs and it all looked like a sort of medieval castle mixed with Back to the Future. A normal Friday. That’s just how I roll. Isn’t the sky pretty? It’s important to share all of these things with you. It’s the only way I can really communicate my feelings to anyone, the only way to share my true self. Really I feel like I’m baring my soul to you and you know it. So I like it when you stroke my hand and tell me you like all these things I show you. I’m actually quite needy. Emotionally I mean. I want more and more of your attention, even though I wont really tell it to your face (it’s just I’m still a bit drunk from yesterday). Anyway, look at my shoes. Pretty, eh?
Wowowowowowow! I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited about anything before. Did you know there are 50 million photos of pumpkin soup out there on the internet? I can show you most of them. I also have a great collection of pictures of cupcakes. And cats. And naked women in sort of bondage-y type underwear. If you’re as excited about this as I am I know you’ll like me. We can literally spend hours together! Hours and hours and hours just looking at all the pretty stuff out there. You thought there might be an end to all the things I have to show you. Everything has to end right? But not me. I can keep going on and on and on and on.
I know you want a friend like me. You might have been looking for me all your life. I will surround you with pretty (or ugly if that’s what you prefer, I’m not judging). You might find me inspiring. You might find me annoying. But if you ever feel like planning a wedding or a mood board then you come to me. I will take care of you and make sure you’ll never want to leave. Unless of course I bore you. It’s not like I don’t have enough to show you. It’s not like I ever run out of stuff. So why would you leave me after a few weeks? Maybe you’re not like the other ones. Maybe you’ll be different. Maybe you’ll stay. Promise. Promise you’ll stay.
Myspace
Hello. Don’t you recognise me? It’s me. Your old friend Myspace. You say I’ve done something to my face. Well. It’s not exactly a secret. I had a face lift. A few nips and tucks here and there. I’m basically a new person. I’m like Demi Moore after she met Ashton Kutcher. And no he didn’t have anything to do with this, it was his friend Justin Timberlake who helped me out. I used to be like, really relevant. I hosted great parties, gave undiscovered talent a chance to show what they could do. I gave them an audience and sometimes even a record deal (although someone told me that’s not really that cool anymore).
Sometimes I worry that I’m stuck in the past. You know this face lift might have made me prettier and more attractive again, but I can never go back to being that young starlet, fresh-faced and a head filled with dreams. I hope people will like me again. That they will find me and that we can link arms and sing songs about the good old days. I’m tired of sugar daddies, I want to try this thing on my own again. That’s how I started out after all. But sometimes I feel so tired, I wonder if there is any fight left in me. I look at my friend Yahoo and I think, maybe that’s not such a bad way to go, perhaps I’ll let the young kids fight this one out and I’ll just stick with the friends who never left me in the first place.
Image via Visualising friendships.